Cake or Pie?

WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE?

(The following has no basis in scientific research or fact or even hearsay. It’s simply the author’s unhinged perceptions.)

Ever since I was a little guy, I’ve always wished my birthdays were celebrated with birthday pie instead of birthday cake. Oh, you can still stick candles in the pie, sing Happy Birthday if you must, and have me make a wish and blow out the candles.

Just make it my “Birthday Pie.”

That may seem like a simple taste preference on the surface: pie over cake. And, for me it is, but it’s so much more. Don’t misunderstand, I love cake. Chocolate, carrot, Angel food — amazing stuff. But pie is a fruit-filled, flaky-crusted slice of Jack. Let me explain.

I find that aside from preferences, cake and pie also represent personalities. Cake fans tend to be social, sweet, outgoing dreamers. Pie people are warm, humble, down-to-earth realists.

A few arguable examples:

Jimmie Stewart: Pie

Cary Grant: Cake

Ben Afleck: Cake

Matt Damon: Pie

Paul Newman: Pie

Robert Redford: Cake

Angelina Jolie: Cake

Jennifer Aniston: Pie

Bugs Bunny: Cake

Elmer Fudd: Pie

Katherine Hepburn: Cake disguised as Pie

Neither are wrong, bad or misguided. We just “are- who-we-are”. If only everyone on the planet shared that sentiment. But, aside from our names, we mortals have devised many ways of describing ourselves and each other.  Unfortunately, the bases of most of these descriptions are offensive at best. Skin color, sexual preference, religion are just a few — and just awful.

But there are other ways.

Like cake or pie, there are harmless, even fun ways of recognizing our differences without the probability of wars, hate crimes or even hurt feelings. I can’t imagine cake people hating the pie folks so much that it would lead to a riot. No, I think the two sides would agree that having both cake and pie in the world is actually a beautiful thing. So why can’t we do that with religions? Or with sexuality? Or skin color?

Anyway, here goes:

What’s your peanut butter? Jif or Skippy? I’m a Jif man. But I don’t hate Skippy lovers. (I don’t understand them, but I don’t hate them.)

I can hear the Peter Pan eaters struggling to protest with a mouthful of their favorite. But I’m not going to spend my days looking over my shoulder for angry Peter Panners. The “all-natural” peanut butter advocates are probably still mixing the oil on the top of their jars to notice.

Are you boxers? Or briefs? Now, men’s underwear is a little trickier because that preference often changes. Until I went away to school, I wore tighty-whiteys — whatever my mom bought me. As I got older, a girlfriend introduced me to boxers and I was hooked (or shall I say “unhooked”) by the freedom they offered. And then I tried a pair of boxer/briefs and have worn them ever since. Now how can anyone hold anything against anybody after having walked a mile in their, uh, underwear?   

Coke or Pepsi? Ocean or Lake? Baked or Mashed? The world is full of our little harmless differences. I say we use those and leave the others behind. Who knows? Maybe, instead of wars that would lead to peanut butter eating contests, underwear races and bake-offs.

As long as we don’t let preference harden into prejudice there won’t be any trouble. It’s as easy as pie.